On questions of love

OK.... So i was talking to Mila on Wednesday... and I promised her to write a very important blog on a very important topic.... the exact defition of the following terms

- dating
- seeing each other
- sleeping with

I'll dutifully start with the last since thats the easiest one... if yuo say you are sleeping wtih someone... say you claim to your best pal brad that "yes, I am sleeping with Molly"... what does this mean? Well, first of all it implies a sexual relationship of an all out nature... i.e. we are not talking about first or second base anymore... if you are sleeping together, you've at least been naked together and derived whatever pleasures there are to be derived out of this state... what sleeping together also implies is an air of informality... i.e. though you are sleeping with Molly... it doesnt mean that you can sleep with Jenny... or for that matter sleep with both Molly and Jenny at the same time though thats pretty unlikely in real life at least... and this air of informality and non-commitment is what both you and molly will tell one and all... that yes, you two are having fun, that you are indeed 'sleeping together' but that you can date and sleep with whomever else you choose... there, of course, is a little caveat that always gets thrown in - about both of you knowing all about the 'other'sactivities.. to keep things honest that is... and there is of course the one other caveat, though nobody says this one and actually tries to imply the complete opposite... and what both you and molly try to imply is that there is no strings attached, that neither one of you gives two hoots about each other and neither one would really care all that much if the thing came to a screetching halt one used rubber later... and thats a lie, lie, lie... for no matter what anybody claims, no matter how muuch anyone professes to not care, between the 'sleepting together' pair there is always one party who starts expecting a little more than pure sexual gratification... and starts building up 'expectations' (say this is the boy in question)... while the other party continues to enjoy her bohimian pleasures in utter ignorant bliss.... and its all good, and the latter has a good and great time while secretly suspecting that the other party is lying when he says that it dont give no damn.... And she keeps on having her fun until one day she realizes that instead of a nice, frivolous bang on every prime day of the month, she has a young man drooling for her love and affections, desperately in love with her and dying not only for her physical pleasures, but also for the intellectual and emotional support that his scarred, reckless life has been missing for all these years.... and it ends badly... with someone acting badly and irrationally and unfairly and maybe even vindictively when we keep in mind the original 'non-commital' agreement.... but hey, everyone knew the rules when they signed up to 'sleep together'... and one of the parties going off the deep end should certainly have been a consideration since day one....

next we get to dating... and this is my favourite... since maybe it works best for lonesome men who cant get a date (I dont think i am in that horrendous category at the moment, but its nice to think of it to keep oneself psychologically fresh and vital).... dating someone is a term you use for your acquaintances... the people you see maybe once a month, people who you dont know very well, dont really care to know very well and for that very reason place a very high value on their opinion of your social status... so when you do see that oh so important person with whom all in all you have nothing to discuss but either sports if you are a guy or shopping if you are a girl, you immediately want to let them know that even though you are hanging out with them, the acquaintance, you are really not such a big loser... and there is an active social/ sex life going on behind the scenes (despite all appeareances to the contrary).... so you, say you are an ackward young man of unathletic variety, unaccostmed to holding a beer or a conversation for that matter.... and you are out for drinks with that sales dude from work who talks fast... has gel in his hair... and seems to know whats going on with life and women... though what exactly he knows you can never quite put your finger on.... so after the sales chap is done rambling through the summary of his exploits, and there always seem to be exploits... there you are, a bitter beer in hand, a beer you wouldnt dream of drinking on your own time, but given the circumstances convince yourself that thats the right thing to do... and there you are, having spilled that beer over that nice shirt from Today's Man, the stain that you are desperately trying to make sure no one notices... and thats where you start that yes, i am indeed 'dating' someone... and that its nice and civilized and a visitation to the metropolitan museum of arts is next on the agenda... if you are feeling really confident, you replace the latter with either the whitney or if you want to seem overly sophisticated, the Frick Gallery....
But now let me stop here... and give the translation of whats going on... our ackward, bespectacled friend, with a stain on his freshly pressed shirt and a beer buzz from the quarter pint of beer he did manage to get in his mouth... he is indeed dating that special someone... and that means that after months upon months of hard 'internet' work... after dozens upon dozens of non-starter dates.... our man finally got a return phone call on his second date invitation... and its not that his lovely date (or more likely not so lovely) likes him so much... and its not that he likes her so much either.... but you know what they say about dating in the city.... she returned his call, they talked for seventeen and a half minutes about the latest weather pattern in the city, about how the #6 line has got to be the worst one in Manhattan and how he was really impressed with her footwear selection from the first date.... and there you have it... he proposes a civilized affair... this time not in some popsy Union square restaurant but at a more civilzied and 'personal' venue like a museum.... and there you have it, you are now 'dating' each other... or at least you can tell your worthless friends (or better yet, fake friends) that....
notice in discussing dating sex never came up once... thats because if you are 'dating'... there is no sex.... there is no second or third base... there is just that eagerly anticipated peck on the cheek.... at the end of a wonderful and stimulating evening together... as you see her off into a yellow cab... just waiting for the magic words - 'would you like to come back home with me'.... magic words that are nothing but a cruel fantasy in your snapped little overdressed mind...

now perhaps my defintion of 'dating' was a little cruel... but fair all in all i think... for things like that should be reserved for high schools and drive in movie theaters.... since both seem equally far from every day reality now... we might as well take this crappy term out of lexicon altogether...
now there is one term that i do like... and thats seeing each other... for if you are seeing each other implies some sort of formal semi-permanence... you are not seeing anyone else... you are seeing each other... and given the fact that you are indeed seeing each other, it means some serious shit is going down... namely you are getting naked together... or at least trying to.... while carefully, diligently and desperately trying to answer the question - can i call this person my boyfriend/ girlfriend? and if so, am i being presumtpuous or is the other person going to slap me and tell me i am rushing things and making them too serious too fast... and if I cant call this person my 'special someone'... when will i be able... and more importantly do i even want to since things are so good... flowers and kisses and sweet words but serious commitment... screw that.... screwing is fun enough as it is.... and as long as you are just seeing each other its not commitment but a potential for commitment.... so maybe continuing to see each other is not so bad.... without incurring any burdens and responsibilities of actually being 'together'.... screw it.... better to just go back to sleeping together.... all this commitment crap is making me nauseous.... or no... wait a second... maybe this is the love of my life and i just need to take that one extra magical step... and then you realize that you already did for she already has your house keys, bank pin number and email password... screw it buddy, you are over and done with - you are the boyfriend!