well... they are really putting the screws to me at work... 15 months and $13 billion dollars later... the bell is tolling for me... i am running around liked a crazed reeces monkey... solving problems of all shapes and sizes... just got done canning the second hire of my life... and its all just not enough... i feel like my head is about to pop off... and though i must say as far as lessons of 'professionalism' and 'management', i have been learning an invaluable volume of them... of this i admit... on the other hand, feeling like my head is about to pop off, something like a champagne cork, with a loud and virulent pop and my scalp bouncing off the sealing and smashing into the kitchen sink... well thats not such a great feeling... and sometimes i wonder if all this professional wonder is really worth it... and what the hell am i really doing in the first place... after all financial glory, mansions and benzes were never a personal ambition of mine... not in a realistic or practical sense... there is of course the 'starving immigrant' factor always whistling away in your head... i.e. that one wrong step and back to the welfare line you go... on the other, an intellectually challenging duty like bussing tables is actually sounding fairly appealing... or better yet, becoming a full ascetic... moving out to some god foresaken village in Uttar Pradesh and living with the illiterate locals as the local white weirdo....
anyway, this is all non-sense though at this point i am feeling a very strong sense of burn-out from my career... feel like one of those delusional squirrels in a wheel... sprinting full speed to absolutely nowhere... mistaken spinning bars of the wooden wheel for personal progress and career advancement....
absurdly enough have been actively spending my lottery winnings... or to be clear, laying out the scenario of how one day i was going to go to a deli and buy some lottery tickets... maybe one or five... not sure what the proper strategy is here as i've never bought one before... and as beginners luck would have it, a handsome sum of say $37 million falls upon my head... and i then sail off into the sunset of living as a modern day aristocrat... spending my time and money on causes of noble nature, thinking thoughts of metaphysical bent and overall being utterly content in inactivity... these thoughts, interestingly enough dont come at night but in the mornings as i walk to work... which makes me think that i am having some kind of an inherent repulsive reaction to my daily duties and responsibilites... or just to simplify it - i dont want to go to work... i dont want to wear a suit... i dont want to eat in fancy restaurants... i dont want to deal with assholes... maybe now to think of it... life has finally gotten the best of me and its insane asylum time... or better yet... time to grow a long nasty beard... get my worthless guitar out of the closet... put on some outlandish clothing... and sit by starbucks in union square strumming out of tune melodies to the tipper tapper of passing pedestrian feet....
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2 comments:
There are some similarities between you and I, and the cycle our lives are in... just yesterday I felt compelled to write the slightly mad post on my own blog... the canning letter I had to write (though fortunately in my case it had to do with a human being who came across as pure evil, but was probably just insecure inside like the rest of us)... and more.
I guess what I'm saying is this: you need to keep writing - otherwise how the hell am I supposed to know what to do when the next thing happens?
How is that long nasty beard coming?
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